Saving Dad's Man Cave Couch

 Have you ever had a piece of furniture that you really liked, but that was looking about as good as Britney Spears circa 2007?  Of course you have.  Unless you're rich or really wasteful, you probably have at least one thing that looks like a bag of crap that you haven't gotten rid of for one reason or another.  If that thing happens to be an upholstered piece of furniture, let me help you out!  And by "help you out" I mean that I will tell you how to help yourself.

I'd been doing some projects using chalk paint, and when I showed my dad some chairs I'd painted (yes, PAINTED) with chalk paint, he was skeptical but willing to take a chance in order to save his beat up old couch that he didn't want to part with.  I mean, the couch has built in cup holders, so it was going to be a tough one to replace. The couch was microfiber, and we didn't have any luck finding tutorials where microfiber had been painted, but he figured that thing couldn't look any worse, so we decided to give it a shot!  We mixed up our own chalk paint, because if you're going to DIY to save money, then you should really get your cheap on if you have the option!  Plus, it sounds impressive as long as whoever you tell doesn't see this ridiculously easy recipe (which I cannot take credit for).

Recipe found here:
http://too-much-time.com/2011/10/homemade-chalk-paint-not-bad.html

We used the recipe in the link above and diluted it with water until it was similar to the consistency of a wood stain.  You want it to be drippy and liquidy.  And you'll want to pretend "liquidy" is a word for now.  Tape up any parts you don't want paint on if you haven't alrady.  Then spritz your fabric lightly with water, grab a paintbrush, and just slap on that concoction you've made.  There is no special technique.  Just brush the stuff on and let it dry.  One it's dried, give it a light sand.  Then do anther coat of the liquidy chalk paint and let that dry. (Repeat the painting and sanding step until you have the coverage you want).  Give it a final light sand.  Grab some wax (Annie Sloan soft wax, Johnson's wax paste, or anything you've researched and found to be appropriate for use with chalk paint), and buff it on with a brush or lint free rag.  It should give the look of a soft leather and feel kind of like that, too.  Consider that my tutorial, since I wasn't there to take pictures of the whole process.

I forgot to take a full "before" picture, but this is one of area I hadn't painted yet.  It was beige many years ago.

After!  Buttery, leathery finish!  It's almost too nice for the man cave now!  

One of these days, I'll do a real tutorial.  You know..with step by step directions and pictures and such.  So, just check back for that.

When Making a Baby Goes Wrong

   Pregnancy is something that most girls grow up believing will come naturally, be exciting, and will result in a sweet little one that will give you a title that is considered to be "the most important" to a majority of people in our society.  The title of "Mother".  The tricky thing about all this is that, for many of us, it isn't at all what we imagined.  Most things aren't, but this dream so many of us have can become a nightmare for as many as 1 in 4.   Yep.  That's how many pregnancies result in miscarriage.  While the chances of later losses, stillbirths, and infant losses are lower,  they certainly happen more than I ever imagined.   Lots of people are as oblivious as I once was, and I believe that's because there is a strange stigma that surrounds miscarriage.  The unspoken assumptions are that if you talk about it, you must want pity or attention.  Or if you had a miscarriage or a stillbirth, you must have done something wrong.  Something must be wrong with you.  I've never met anyone who felt ashamed to talk openly about the loss of a parent or a spouse.  Nor would we ever even consider insinuating that the person grieving that loss is to blame.  So, why does society do this to a woman who is grieving the loss of her child?  Why must we act as though those lives weren't to be or didn't exist at all?  So as not to make someone else uncomfortable?  Why must we explain it away by presuming we know God's plan or by saying there was "something wrong with it"?   When will we start allowing people to feel the emotions they feel without shame?

    I can't speak about the experience of a mother with living children who has experienced the loss of a baby, though I can only imagine it is nothing short of life altering, as it is for those of us without living children.  However, I've found that because I have no living children, I'm spoken to as though that kind of maternal love is beyond my comprehension.  The truth is, from the day we open our hearts to the possibility of a child, pray for a child, do things we never thought we could or would do for the smallest chance of being a parent, we know that kind of love.   From the moment we see a positive pregnancy test, we know the fear of having everything to lose.  We know both the overwhelming joy and incredible worry that just about every parent has.  Our instinct to protect our baby kicks in.  The secret is that, for most of us, those things do not go away when our baby dies. We will live the rest of our lives thinking about our babies just like you do your living children.  We will love them and cherish every memory of them.  We will imagine who they would have been.  Can you imagine living in a world where you couldn't talk about your children?  I know few parents of living children who could make it through the day without a word about their child.  So, when someone brings up the baby they lost, please know that they don't want your pity, your help, or your opinion.  You don't have to bring it up, and if you don't know what to say, it's ok.  They don't expect you to fix it, and they know that if you haven't experienced yourself, you can't fully understand.  Often just acknowledging that grief and/or acknowledging their child is more than enough.  They just want to have a moment of "normalcy" where they can be open about loving a child whom they will never have the chance to hug or kiss or rock to sleep.  They just want to stop hiding the "mother heart" they gained the day they created a life.

    Finally, take it easy on those who have experienced such a loss when it comes to expecting them to watch your ultrasound video, go to baby showers, attend baby birthday parties, etc.  Each of us is different.  Some find comfort in these things, while for others it is an intensely painful reminder of what will never be.  Please do not take offense or assume that person is not happy for you or supportive of you.  If someone had lost their spouse, would you be surprised if they had trouble attending weddings?  I'll share this personal tidbit about my first miscarriage.  We'd wanted that baby a long time, and because it had taken us a long time to conceive but they hadn't identified a problem, the specialist  recommended earlier monitoring with both bloodwork and ultrasounds.  After seeing our baby three times and seeing what was said to be "a nice, strong heartbeat" two weeks in a row, we were released to a regular OB.  Two days after our last ultrasound with the specialist, by myself in a room with a stranger who performed the ultrasound that was supposed to give me the "OK" to go home for Christmas, I found out my baby had died.  After that experience, I could not go into a doctor's office without having a panic attack.  It was humiliating, but I couldn't help it.  When people would post ultrasound pictures on Facebook, I'd have to hide them.  I am lucky enough to have some friends who have been truly understanding of this.  That means the world to me and has allowed me to come a long way from the days of panic attacks in the doctor's office or hiding Facebook posts, though it still stirs up memories and emotions sometimes.  Maybe it always will, and that's ok.

    I hope even one person will read this and have a better understanding of how common this is, how much differently our society needs to treat this, and how much more compassion and patience we could show to one another.   My babies in heaven may very well be the only ones I'll ever have, so I can't pretend for the sake of others' comfort that they didn't exist.  You didn't know them, I had no pictures to post or cute stories to share, but before they were even conceived, I lived everyday in hopes of being their mother.  My experience is not unique, and I can guarantee someone close to you has had many of these same experiences and feelings.  So, please remember that being a mommy to  children in heaven comes with its own struggles, and let's not continue to allow shame and guilt and awkwardness to silence those who are trying to find their way through the complicated cycle of grief.

How to Prepare for Infertility in 11 Easy Steps

  Recently, someone shared this article, which I thought was pretty funny even though some would say I'm not qualified to confirm whether or not it is accurate.  I see a lot of memes, articles, and Facebook posts about how tough it is to be a parent, and I have no doubt that's true.  But, I thought it would be interesting and maybe a little funny to do a similar write up about something I do know a good bit about - infertility.  Since it's a tough thing to experience, it can't be all funny, and it will mostly apply to those with primary infertility, but I think it might be nice to show our side of things.  I often hear people comment to those of us without children about how it "must be nice" to do this and that or how "easy" we have it, so maybe this will help us see that it's all hard. Life's hard.  There is good and bad for those with children and those without.

Here's the original article:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bunmi-laditan/how-to-prepare-for-parenthood-in-11-easy-steps_b_5411134.html

And now for mine: 

How to Prepare for Infertility in 11 Easy Steps

Step 1

  Plan out your life including how many children you'll have and at what ages you'll have them. Live as if this is going to happen until your 20's or 30's at least.  Once you're married, have everyone ask you when you're going to start having babies.  Or if you are over 25 and not married, have them ask when you are going to get married so that you can have babies.  Oh, wait.  You won't need to ask anyone to ask those things since it's automatic.  They will keep asking until you give them babies.  

Step 2

 Talk with your spouse about your future children and pick out names and discuss whose features they might have or what they will grow up to be.  Maybe buy a baby item or two.  Now replace "when we have kids" with "if we have kids".  See how long you can go before putting the item(s) you bought out of sight.  Don't allow yourself to be sad, because you're sadness will be labeled as "stress" and blamed for your infertility.  Try not to take it personally that you are being blamed for causing your infertility.

Step 3

  Go to the store (or Amazon) and buy $100 worth of vitamins, pregnancy tests, ovulation predictor tests, and tampons.  You will use them all.  Every month. When you hit the year mark, add tissues and chocolate to your shopping list.  Have a friend ask you at least once a month, "Are you pregnant yet?"  Because that will speed things up.  

Step 4

   Go withdraw a quarter of your paycheck.  Find a reproductive endocrinologist, and even if they are a 4 hour drive one way, go there.  Get no less than 16 vials of blood drawn and one transvaginal ultrasound.  Hand them the money you withdrew.  Make an appointment to give them more money in 2 weeks at which time they will give you some options. The best way to figure out what option to choose is to go to a casino.  Choose whether you'd like to bet $3,000 on a game with a 15-20% chance of winning or $15,000+ on a game with a 30-40% chance of winning.  Understand that even if you win, they can still come take your winnings as well as the money you bet at any time and for no reason.

Step 5

  Get everyone you know to post a pregnancy announcement, ultrasound picture, pregnancy update/complaint, pregnancy question, parenting complaint, or a baby picture on Facebook all in the same day.  Have one friend announce a pregnancy to you each month or two.  After the first year of this, change it up.  Have a couple of them act strange for a while and THEN make their announcement indirectly and in a very impersonal way.  Remember that it is your fault for making them feel weird, so you aren't allowed to be hurt by this.  

Step 6

  Have someone collect at least $200 per month from you if you have insurance and a few thousand a month if you don't.  

Step 7

  Have a group of strangers stationed at every place you need to go for the day.  Have all of them ask you "Do you have kids?"  Direct them that when you politely say "no", they should continue to inquire as to why not, when, if you like kids, or if something is wrong with you. Half of them should be instructed to comment on either how pitiful your life must be or how lucky you are.  

Step 8

  In preparation for fertility drugs, think of the saddest thing you can and have a good cry.  Now stop crying (or don't), and eat all the food in your house.  Now have someone stick you in the stomach and/or butt with a needle once or twice a day.  After you've done all this between daily transvaginal ultrasounds an blood draws, have at least 4 people tell you to "relax" and you'll get pregnant.  

Step 9

   Stand in front of a calendar, close your eyes, and place your finger on a date.  Open your eyes.  Even if this is a holiday, weekend, or important work meeting, you will need to be at the reproductive endocrinologist with your spouse on this day.  You cannot make any arrangements to be at this appointment until the day prior to the appointment.  If you aren't able to make it to this appointment, withdraw $300-$2000 from your account and flush it down your toilet.   

Step 10

  Have friends, family, neighbors, and strangers to ask you personal questions and diagnose you.  They should also offer you non-helpful advice such as "just relax", "just adopt", "go on a vacation", "wait on God's timing", etc.  They should assume the fertility issue is with you (the woman) and insinuate that you are doing something to cause it. Tell them they are making a lot of assumptions about you and that your situation requires medical intervention.  Have them look at your blankly and repeat one of the above pieces of advice.  

Step 11

  Divide your number of actual friends in half.  Add 10 friends who were previously strangers that are going through the same thing and who offer you more compassion and support than the friends that you lost.  Receive love, support, and prayers from those who aren't avoiding you or haven't said something unforgivable at this point.  :)  

Thanks For the Memories

 As our time in California comes to a close and we prepare to move, I've been thinking a lot about how I'm going to feel when I leave this place behind.  Pretty much anyone who has ever talked to me knows how many things I disliked about this overhyped part of the country, but I think leaving here will be harder than leaving Virginia.  Maybe even harder than leaving home.  That's because the last three years here have been so full of new experiences.
   
I knew before we headed this way that I had friends here already, but I never expected to meet some of the people and develop the incredible friendships that I did.  I always wished I had a group of girlfriends that were close and really got along, and I had that with these girls.  We were there for each other through deployments, job drama, husband frustrations, Marine Corps frustrations, pregnancies, and the loss of loved ones.  There are all kinds of friends, and they are all equally awesome, but the hard part of this kind of friendship is knowing that soon, we'll all be scattered all over the country.  Some will be leaving (or have left) the Marine Corps to move home or start new adventures elsewhere. Some will be going to new bases, some will be staying here a little longer, and some are still waiting to find out what's next.  There will be no more girls nights or brunches or craft days with these girls, and that is a hard realization.  I know our friendships are strong and that we'll always be friends, but this is a going to be a really difficult change.
 
Another thing about California that I will always remember is how many new things I experienced here.  This was the first real house we ever had together as a couple (although we rented it).  The Mr.got his first promotion.  We conceived our first two children (though we were not lucky enough to get to meet them). Through the struggle to conceive those children, I had my first acupuncture and reiki treatments, gave myself injections for the first time (a huge accomplishment for someone who passes out at the sight of needles), and participated in two walks to raise money and awareness for infertility.  I loved reiki so much, I got certified to practice it.  I went on a zipline despite my fear of heights and motion sickness, and it was awesome!  I pushed myself to go alone to LA to attend a makeup class I was interested in even though it made me incredibly anxious.  I flew by myself for the first time ever (terrifying).  I experienced my first wildfire evacuation.  I kayaked in the freezing Pacific. I participated in the Color Run, which was a very cool experience.  These are only a few of the things that really stood out to me, but you get the picture.
   
California, I will not miss your nanny laws, your bland food, your wildfires, your terrible phlebotomists, your idiot drivers, or not having air conditioning.  What I will miss are all the things that remind me of the last three years.  My life has changed so much.  And though I went through some of the hardest times of my life during the last three years, I feel like I will take so many good things from my experience here.  So, thank you for the experiences and the memories, California.  :)