How to Prepare for Infertility in 11 Easy Steps

  Recently, someone shared this article, which I thought was pretty funny even though some would say I'm not qualified to confirm whether or not it is accurate.  I see a lot of memes, articles, and Facebook posts about how tough it is to be a parent, and I have no doubt that's true.  But, I thought it would be interesting and maybe a little funny to do a similar write up about something I do know a good bit about - infertility.  Since it's a tough thing to experience, it can't be all funny, and it will mostly apply to those with primary infertility, but I think it might be nice to show our side of things.  I often hear people comment to those of us without children about how it "must be nice" to do this and that or how "easy" we have it, so maybe this will help us see that it's all hard. Life's hard.  There is good and bad for those with children and those without.

Here's the original article:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bunmi-laditan/how-to-prepare-for-parenthood-in-11-easy-steps_b_5411134.html

And now for mine: 

How to Prepare for Infertility in 11 Easy Steps

Step 1

  Plan out your life including how many children you'll have and at what ages you'll have them. Live as if this is going to happen until your 20's or 30's at least.  Once you're married, have everyone ask you when you're going to start having babies.  Or if you are over 25 and not married, have them ask when you are going to get married so that you can have babies.  Oh, wait.  You won't need to ask anyone to ask those things since it's automatic.  They will keep asking until you give them babies.  

Step 2

 Talk with your spouse about your future children and pick out names and discuss whose features they might have or what they will grow up to be.  Maybe buy a baby item or two.  Now replace "when we have kids" with "if we have kids".  See how long you can go before putting the item(s) you bought out of sight.  Don't allow yourself to be sad, because you're sadness will be labeled as "stress" and blamed for your infertility.  Try not to take it personally that you are being blamed for causing your infertility.

Step 3

  Go to the store (or Amazon) and buy $100 worth of vitamins, pregnancy tests, ovulation predictor tests, and tampons.  You will use them all.  Every month. When you hit the year mark, add tissues and chocolate to your shopping list.  Have a friend ask you at least once a month, "Are you pregnant yet?"  Because that will speed things up.  

Step 4

   Go withdraw a quarter of your paycheck.  Find a reproductive endocrinologist, and even if they are a 4 hour drive one way, go there.  Get no less than 16 vials of blood drawn and one transvaginal ultrasound.  Hand them the money you withdrew.  Make an appointment to give them more money in 2 weeks at which time they will give you some options. The best way to figure out what option to choose is to go to a casino.  Choose whether you'd like to bet $3,000 on a game with a 15-20% chance of winning or $15,000+ on a game with a 30-40% chance of winning.  Understand that even if you win, they can still come take your winnings as well as the money you bet at any time and for no reason.

Step 5

  Get everyone you know to post a pregnancy announcement, ultrasound picture, pregnancy update/complaint, pregnancy question, parenting complaint, or a baby picture on Facebook all in the same day.  Have one friend announce a pregnancy to you each month or two.  After the first year of this, change it up.  Have a couple of them act strange for a while and THEN make their announcement indirectly and in a very impersonal way.  Remember that it is your fault for making them feel weird, so you aren't allowed to be hurt by this.  

Step 6

  Have someone collect at least $200 per month from you if you have insurance and a few thousand a month if you don't.  

Step 7

  Have a group of strangers stationed at every place you need to go for the day.  Have all of them ask you "Do you have kids?"  Direct them that when you politely say "no", they should continue to inquire as to why not, when, if you like kids, or if something is wrong with you. Half of them should be instructed to comment on either how pitiful your life must be or how lucky you are.  

Step 8

  In preparation for fertility drugs, think of the saddest thing you can and have a good cry.  Now stop crying (or don't), and eat all the food in your house.  Now have someone stick you in the stomach and/or butt with a needle once or twice a day.  After you've done all this between daily transvaginal ultrasounds an blood draws, have at least 4 people tell you to "relax" and you'll get pregnant.  

Step 9

   Stand in front of a calendar, close your eyes, and place your finger on a date.  Open your eyes.  Even if this is a holiday, weekend, or important work meeting, you will need to be at the reproductive endocrinologist with your spouse on this day.  You cannot make any arrangements to be at this appointment until the day prior to the appointment.  If you aren't able to make it to this appointment, withdraw $300-$2000 from your account and flush it down your toilet.   

Step 10

  Have friends, family, neighbors, and strangers to ask you personal questions and diagnose you.  They should also offer you non-helpful advice such as "just relax", "just adopt", "go on a vacation", "wait on God's timing", etc.  They should assume the fertility issue is with you (the woman) and insinuate that you are doing something to cause it. Tell them they are making a lot of assumptions about you and that your situation requires medical intervention.  Have them look at your blankly and repeat one of the above pieces of advice.  

Step 11

  Divide your number of actual friends in half.  Add 10 friends who were previously strangers that are going through the same thing and who offer you more compassion and support than the friends that you lost.  Receive love, support, and prayers from those who aren't avoiding you or haven't said something unforgivable at this point.  :)  

Thanks For the Memories

 As our time in California comes to a close and we prepare to move, I've been thinking a lot about how I'm going to feel when I leave this place behind.  Pretty much anyone who has ever talked to me knows how many things I disliked about this overhyped part of the country, but I think leaving here will be harder than leaving Virginia.  Maybe even harder than leaving home.  That's because the last three years here have been so full of new experiences.
   
I knew before we headed this way that I had friends here already, but I never expected to meet some of the people and develop the incredible friendships that I did.  I always wished I had a group of girlfriends that were close and really got along, and I had that with these girls.  We were there for each other through deployments, job drama, husband frustrations, Marine Corps frustrations, pregnancies, and the loss of loved ones.  There are all kinds of friends, and they are all equally awesome, but the hard part of this kind of friendship is knowing that soon, we'll all be scattered all over the country.  Some will be leaving (or have left) the Marine Corps to move home or start new adventures elsewhere. Some will be going to new bases, some will be staying here a little longer, and some are still waiting to find out what's next.  There will be no more girls nights or brunches or craft days with these girls, and that is a hard realization.  I know our friendships are strong and that we'll always be friends, but this is a going to be a really difficult change.
 
Another thing about California that I will always remember is how many new things I experienced here.  This was the first real house we ever had together as a couple (although we rented it).  The Mr.got his first promotion.  We conceived our first two children (though we were not lucky enough to get to meet them). Through the struggle to conceive those children, I had my first acupuncture and reiki treatments, gave myself injections for the first time (a huge accomplishment for someone who passes out at the sight of needles), and participated in two walks to raise money and awareness for infertility.  I loved reiki so much, I got certified to practice it.  I went on a zipline despite my fear of heights and motion sickness, and it was awesome!  I pushed myself to go alone to LA to attend a makeup class I was interested in even though it made me incredibly anxious.  I flew by myself for the first time ever (terrifying).  I experienced my first wildfire evacuation.  I kayaked in the freezing Pacific. I participated in the Color Run, which was a very cool experience.  These are only a few of the things that really stood out to me, but you get the picture.
   
California, I will not miss your nanny laws, your bland food, your wildfires, your terrible phlebotomists, your idiot drivers, or not having air conditioning.  What I will miss are all the things that remind me of the last three years.  My life has changed so much.  And though I went through some of the hardest times of my life during the last three years, I feel like I will take so many good things from my experience here.  So, thank you for the experiences and the memories, California.  :)