How to Prepare for Infertility in 11 Easy Steps

  Recently, someone shared this article, which I thought was pretty funny even though some would say I'm not qualified to confirm whether or not it is accurate.  I see a lot of memes, articles, and Facebook posts about how tough it is to be a parent, and I have no doubt that's true.  But, I thought it would be interesting and maybe a little funny to do a similar write up about something I do know a good bit about - infertility.  Since it's a tough thing to experience, it can't be all funny, and it will mostly apply to those with primary infertility, but I think it might be nice to show our side of things.  I often hear people comment to those of us without children about how it "must be nice" to do this and that or how "easy" we have it, so maybe this will help us see that it's all hard. Life's hard.  There is good and bad for those with children and those without.

Here's the original article:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/bunmi-laditan/how-to-prepare-for-parenthood-in-11-easy-steps_b_5411134.html

And now for mine: 

How to Prepare for Infertility in 11 Easy Steps

Step 1

  Plan out your life including how many children you'll have and at what ages you'll have them. Live as if this is going to happen until your 20's or 30's at least.  Once you're married, have everyone ask you when you're going to start having babies.  Or if you are over 25 and not married, have them ask when you are going to get married so that you can have babies.  Oh, wait.  You won't need to ask anyone to ask those things since it's automatic.  They will keep asking until you give them babies.  

Step 2

 Talk with your spouse about your future children and pick out names and discuss whose features they might have or what they will grow up to be.  Maybe buy a baby item or two.  Now replace "when we have kids" with "if we have kids".  See how long you can go before putting the item(s) you bought out of sight.  Don't allow yourself to be sad, because you're sadness will be labeled as "stress" and blamed for your infertility.  Try not to take it personally that you are being blamed for causing your infertility.

Step 3

  Go to the store (or Amazon) and buy $100 worth of vitamins, pregnancy tests, ovulation predictor tests, and tampons.  You will use them all.  Every month. When you hit the year mark, add tissues and chocolate to your shopping list.  Have a friend ask you at least once a month, "Are you pregnant yet?"  Because that will speed things up.  

Step 4

   Go withdraw a quarter of your paycheck.  Find a reproductive endocrinologist, and even if they are a 4 hour drive one way, go there.  Get no less than 16 vials of blood drawn and one transvaginal ultrasound.  Hand them the money you withdrew.  Make an appointment to give them more money in 2 weeks at which time they will give you some options. The best way to figure out what option to choose is to go to a casino.  Choose whether you'd like to bet $3,000 on a game with a 15-20% chance of winning or $15,000+ on a game with a 30-40% chance of winning.  Understand that even if you win, they can still come take your winnings as well as the money you bet at any time and for no reason.

Step 5

  Get everyone you know to post a pregnancy announcement, ultrasound picture, pregnancy update/complaint, pregnancy question, parenting complaint, or a baby picture on Facebook all in the same day.  Have one friend announce a pregnancy to you each month or two.  After the first year of this, change it up.  Have a couple of them act strange for a while and THEN make their announcement indirectly and in a very impersonal way.  Remember that it is your fault for making them feel weird, so you aren't allowed to be hurt by this.  

Step 6

  Have someone collect at least $200 per month from you if you have insurance and a few thousand a month if you don't.  

Step 7

  Have a group of strangers stationed at every place you need to go for the day.  Have all of them ask you "Do you have kids?"  Direct them that when you politely say "no", they should continue to inquire as to why not, when, if you like kids, or if something is wrong with you. Half of them should be instructed to comment on either how pitiful your life must be or how lucky you are.  

Step 8

  In preparation for fertility drugs, think of the saddest thing you can and have a good cry.  Now stop crying (or don't), and eat all the food in your house.  Now have someone stick you in the stomach and/or butt with a needle once or twice a day.  After you've done all this between daily transvaginal ultrasounds an blood draws, have at least 4 people tell you to "relax" and you'll get pregnant.  

Step 9

   Stand in front of a calendar, close your eyes, and place your finger on a date.  Open your eyes.  Even if this is a holiday, weekend, or important work meeting, you will need to be at the reproductive endocrinologist with your spouse on this day.  You cannot make any arrangements to be at this appointment until the day prior to the appointment.  If you aren't able to make it to this appointment, withdraw $300-$2000 from your account and flush it down your toilet.   

Step 10

  Have friends, family, neighbors, and strangers to ask you personal questions and diagnose you.  They should also offer you non-helpful advice such as "just relax", "just adopt", "go on a vacation", "wait on God's timing", etc.  They should assume the fertility issue is with you (the woman) and insinuate that you are doing something to cause it. Tell them they are making a lot of assumptions about you and that your situation requires medical intervention.  Have them look at your blankly and repeat one of the above pieces of advice.  

Step 11

  Divide your number of actual friends in half.  Add 10 friends who were previously strangers that are going through the same thing and who offer you more compassion and support than the friends that you lost.  Receive love, support, and prayers from those who aren't avoiding you or haven't said something unforgivable at this point.  :)